The following is a top 10 list of things not to do while your nurse is frantically working on your discharge.
10. Push your call light. The more you make me get up and answer your call light the longer it is going to take.
9. Ask your nurse if she knows what the hell she is doing. At this point you have earned an extra hour or you should have.
8. Take your own IV out and bleed all over the room. This will result in the outcome of number 10.
7. Call and try to order food. Really??? You’re so freaking worried about getting out of here that you call down and order the salmon. Please let me work faster to meet our goals.
6. Have your family member come out and let the nurse know about the 150 doctors appointments they have to take everyone to today. Im sorry that you are the taxi of the family. But Billy Jo Bob JR. Can’t leave till I fill out this continuum of care!
5. Physically walk out of your room and ask the nurse what meds you are going to be on while she is typing the discharge med list. See outcome for number 10.
4. Wait till the nurse is almost done with the paperwork then threaten to walk AMA. Do this because instead of printing out 50 pages deemed important by some committee that wants the hospital to get paid all I have to do is print 1 page and have you sign it. Your nurse now hates your guts.
3. Disappear off the floor to go smoke a cigarette after you just had a heart cath. Said nurse will now turn her hatred face off and replace it with her dumfounded, I have lost faith in man face.
2. Do not flirt with your nurse that now has lost faith in man after you left the floor and now smell like a carton of cigarettes. Said nurse has had it and may put you back in the ED.
The number 1 thing you must never do while the nurse is frantically working on your discharge… never under any circumstances EVER take the paperwork that the nurse just finished (pages including a 10 page detailed continuum of care, doctors appointments, central scheduling papers, new diet information, a list of primary care physicians that are accepting new patients, a list of discharge medications that not only tell you what the med is, when to take it, and what it is for). NEVER take this paperwork and throw it directly in the trash in front of the Nurse that just wasted an hour of her life (that she will never get back). After doing this thing you never should of done, don’t say later then walk out of the room with your prescription in hand. Your nurse will at this point question why she didnt stab you in the hand when you touched her shoulder during thing never to do number 2.