Most people have normal lives. I’m reminded every single flippin day that I am not normal people. I can’t just wake up and do normal things and have normal results. No. You Beth are weird. You will take the ordinary and warp it until its totally unrecognizable. Because that’s who you are.
Yesterday I woke up, went to the gym, had an eye appointment, ordered glasses, came home, parented and cooked dinner. I did all that and here we are. Sounds obsurdly ordinary and boring right? Absolutely. It’s completely mundane if you talk about it like I was actually just like everyone else. But I’m not. Im Beth. Often I hear the law and order sound through out the day when something happens followed by a time stamp. That maybe psychosis I’m not sure.
Cue the music
I came home from the gym to find my 3 year old playing on mybold iPhone. Because that’s what 3 year olds do right? He’s pretty much the most responsible holder of expensive electronics I’ve ever met really. He can’t fall asleep on the couch without waking up and pissing everywhere BUT he can sit and play on an iphone without breaking it. Amazing. So anyway, I came home with about 3 hours and 45 min until I needed to physically be in the eye doctors office.
At this point I’m not totally sure what happened to my time. I folded some laundry. I checked out instagram. I made comments to people and liked photos. I texted friends. I snapchatted. I facebooked. I fixed lunch for me and the boy. I ate it. I entered a time warp that sucked about 2 hours out of my life that I will never get back and am still unsure of what I did and suddenly it was 2:15 and my appt was at 2:45. So I got our coats on myself and the boy, I made sure he had something to do when we get there and sat in the drivers seat. At this time I was pretty sure I did not have my wallet. Its usually sitting in the middle console taunting me like here I am! This always happens to me. I had to get out of the car and find it. This prompts a full sweep of the downstairs of my house while cursing myself saying where the hell do you put this stuff Beth? ? Why cant you keep stuff where you can see it?? I walk around the whole downstairs looking for this wallet that I kind of need and I can’t find. I start to panic and then It hits me. That friggin wallet is in the bag in the back of the car. I left it there after Em’s party. Face palm. So I get back in the drivers seat and proceed to go. I now have 20 min to get there. Its doable. Close. I can do it. As long as no one gets in front of me.
Five miles down the road that dreaded noise sounds and I am alerted that we are not going to make the appointment. I am on E. Great. Whats wrong with me that I can not keep track of how much gas is in my car?? So I make it to the pump and I get out walk to the rear of my Acadia and get my wallet out of the back… good thing I found that. Face palm number two.
We get to the eye doctor in true Bethy fashion, I’m 5 minutes late. Ugghh im soooo sick of being late. Im pretty sure im going to be late to my own funeral. True story. So anyway, we made it. Little shit has been given due to my tardiness today luckily because I had the boy with me. He is cute as hell and no one, NO ONE can resist him.
We walk in and I’ve trained him well he yells Willie-am Weekly is heeeerrrrrrrr. They say awwww and of course take me on back. Celeb status im sure… or they don’t want to have my son yelling in the waiting room. Either way. There I am sitting there waiting to get air blown in my eyeball. Have you ever had this done? It’s 2014 people. Can’t there be a better way to test glaucoma than to take an air compressor and blow an eyeball out. Also, why can’t they warn you before they do it. This woman, no joke, shot me 6 times in the right eye and twice in the left with no warning. Im pretty sure that the last four times she shot me was for pure fun.
They take me back to the little room and the doctor comes in. He looks at my chart then looks at my son and says well I see the last time you were here was about three years ago. I agree and make some funny about how the boy was in a carrier and just as he is about to ask me a question the boy yells I gotta peeee…mommy I GOTTA PEEEEE!!! So up I went to get him to the nearest bathroom. Luckiky he used it quickly and then back to the room we went.
Im not sure what is normal eye doctor etiquette but there has always been a weird feeling when I get my eyes checked. I have nothing to compare it to and because of that lack of experience in the eye doctor area I may or may not get molested during my eye exams. Im not really sure. Here I am in the pitch dark and here he is close all up in it. Breathing heavily in my face and his cheek almost touching mine. All the while asking me the same questions over and over. Okay now Beth is the first one better or the second. In the most calm and creepy voice he tells me to lean forward and look into the light. What this does is make you temporarily blind so that all your focus isnt on him being all up in your face breathing heavily. Although still weird I did notice that he is a little more distant than the other times I visited. Maybe someone told him. Maybe I smelled like a mom or the workout I had before that I kind of cleaned up afterward is offending? What he doesn’t like me as much now? What’s wrong with meeeee??! Ehhh.
At one point the boy is sick of sitting on the side of the room in then dark so he walks over and starts yelling at me and the doctor asking questions. Questions such as why are you shining that in her face? Look at that light. What is that light… WHAT IS THAT LIGHT MOMMY? …Go sit down boy. Go sit down.
So we finally get to the conclusion that I am indeed needing a better prescription than I did 3 years ago. Maybe cause I’m old… maybe because my eyes are aging… maybe because I stare at a screen about 99% of my day be it computer or that phone that im pretty sure I’m in a long term relationship with. Questions, questions we probably will never know the answers to. Tisk Tisk I guess the world may never know *cough*
So anyway we get out to the waiting room of 400,000 pairs of glasses that all look the same and I begin to look around. Luckily my vision isnt to the point that I cant see what these things look like on my face because if I left it up to the women at this place they’d have me dressed up like some hipster that needs a damn beehive.
I know my hair is big but I can not pull off hipster. I repeat hipster is not for me. Cat eyed glasses that look like they honestly need to have a beaded necklace attatched to them make me look hideous. No matter how hard I tried to make the hot pink cat eyed glasses with zebra print on the inside work. I looked like an idiot in that mirror. So… ive became picky in my time. I never thought my maybe pile would ever reach 25 but alas here I am with my 3 year old son sitting next to me trying on several glasses to find exactly what wont make me look like a fat idiot. Ive lost a lot of weight so I definitely don’t want to look fat. I cant help the idiot thing… that will happen at least 20 times during the course of a day.
So there they are. I’ve finally found them. The right pair of glasses are on my face. I love them… about as much as you can love glasses. So my insurance pays $140 on a pair a year. I look down and gazed at the price. Damnit! A string of expletives sound off in my head. $300. Really? I just spent about 30 minutes staring at my face only to find out the glasses that feel the best and look the best on me are way over the amount. I don’t want to pay! So then 20 more minutes later I tried on every other pair again trying to talk myself out of it. Then I revisited the hipster pair and confirmed I am not cool enough to be hipster.
…So I paid $160 on some Gucci frames… yesterday.
and I came home.