Other things they should have told you…

     I’m ready for warmer temperatures.  I’m ready for flip flops, tank tops, laying by a pool and sweat.  Yes I’m ready to say my favorite phrase… Kids GO OUT SIDE! It’s pretty much the go to in a Mother’s vocabulary.  Like when you pop out that kid they give you this handbook. Well they don’t give you one if you look like you have your head on your shoulders but when I was 24 and had the oldest… they gave me this book.  It had sections in it. It told different things that new parents needed to know. For the love of all that is holy. Shit you need to know.  It had phone numbers in it of all the pediatrician’s offices in the area,  Poison control and health department numbers as well. It had sections in this book that told you how much to feed your baby and what to do if they cried.  It was a pretty condensed version of parenting for dummies. When I had the wild one the did not give me such a book and by that point it would have been useless to give me one BUT I think another book would have been useful.
                   The Mother handbook
A Refresher Course in Case You Forgot

Chapter 1
This is not a fairy tale.
Most likely you have fond memories of your first. That baby was perfect and let’s face it you probably were too.  You followed all the rules. You listened to everyone. You took in all the advice from loved ones like it was the friggin bible and at this point I’d like to be the one who points out that your oldest is a brat.  He/she runs the friggin show. They got what they wanted when they wanted it and in the highest quality and quantity available.  Look where that got you.  Its ok take this moment to reflect on how big of a brat your oldest is.  No one is looking. Do it.  Just close your eyes and act like your taking a nap. I’ll wait. 
     Ok you see that?  He/she woke you up didn’t they.  Say it with me… BRAT. 
You wouldn’t of haf this problem if you had stopped listening to Aunt Euginia and your Mother.  So stop it now. Dont feed the cycle.

Chapter 2
Your child will cry
     Yes your kid is going to cry. They want 1 of 3 things so don’t screw this up.
1. Food: while you are still attending to the brat your baby is laying there hungry. He/she is going to cry to tell you they are hungry.  This is where I am a huge advocate of breast feeding because at this step if you are wrong about one of three basic needs there is no waste here.
      Introduce your baby to the breast. Baby this is a boob. It no longer belongs to daddy and well he’s pissed but right now its yours.  Its not even mine at this point and although that gives me a slight relief I still have to lug them around and offer them to you like party favors.  Here try this see if this will make you stop crying
2. They pooped thier pants or peed which is equally as infuriating.  Its really simple right before you plop that baby on the boob take a peek. Not like you did with the first one. Just lift up a patch of diaper and take a peek. Taking the whole thing off just makes them expect more out of you. Again look at that oldest right now. He/she is expecting you to wipe thier but at the age of 4. Brat. So if one and two are not the problem…
3. They want you to pay attention to them. Novel idea.
     Thats where you screwed up with the oldest.  You held them always and if you weren’t someone else did. This basic need was never expressed so you might be confused as to why this baby is still crying. You dont have time to hold baby number 2 all the time because you’re still pacifying the brat. SPONGEBOB IS ON AT 3:00 DANG IT UGGGH!
     If none of the above work the, following is acceptable. Hand the baby to the oldest and say Mommy needs a min. Noooo not really, but thats what just went through your head and THAT’S acceptable.  Oh and don’t shake the baby still applies here. 
Chapter 3
You will get a bath only if your significant other smells you
      Don’t let that happen. Be up front with your need to be human. Tell them right now. Ill wait. Put this book down and look them straight in the face.  At 8 pm I take a bath. No ifs ands or buts I take a bath and you will take care of this baby while I do so. And when I am done if the baby is crying I will cut you. Make your point and dont back down. A woman should not feel guilty for needing to be clean. Im sick of seeing moms walking around like zombies with no make up on hair unfixed and thier significant other looks like they just won first prize at a wet tshirt contest. Unless of course you were both ugly before hand and no one took a bath before. At this point let me be the first to tell you some vital information. Grow the eff up.  You have 2 kids now. Time to get clean and take care of your own you sick stinky people. 

Chapter 4
The most important shit im going to say

Stop being brats. You’ve already raised one and by now you realize that’s got to stop. In return you need to stop being one yourself. You have children now. Act like it.  Don’t expect every person out there to raise your child. You did acts one two and three and now have a baby. Get a grip and realize you are the important equation in this math problem.  If you act entitled you will raise people that NO ONE wants to be around. We the people who are around you are not going to like you or your kids and it will show. People will stop coming around. We will hold secret meetings about you and your kids. We will hate you. So get it together and stop the cycle. Start raising productive members of society.  We will thank you for it when your older and society doesnt have to continue to pay for your child and thier children.

Chapter 5
If chapter 4 offended you

Good. Take your hate for this book and prove us all wrong. Matches are included in the back of the cover for burning it when you get home. 

Have a nice day.

Be parents.

Im thinking about writing a 3rd book for having children after the second one.
When you open it up it says its no different its just louder.  THAT’S the amount of time you have to read. I’m not sure if that should just be common sense or not but its worth a shot. 


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