In a nutshell… Get your shit together Beth!

     So let me give you a quick back story about me. Some know all this and some don’t and I’ll spare you the details of it all I promise.  Basically I have been on this journey to get healthy and lose weight for about 2 years now. I was killing it and I was doing awesome. The first year I lost about 50 pounds.

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     Then I quit smoking January 16th 2013. And thats pretty much when my trouble started. I replaced it with vaping so I still got some nicotine. I wasnt replacing smoking with food. I was stuck at 150 pounds. I maintained for a while BUT I could not stay awake.

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     Ive always had this problem but it was getting worse. Getting to the point where it scared me. I had to force myself to move or do anything. I had to force myself to live.

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      Fast forward two doctors and every lab work/test known to man here I stand with normal labwork and a 2nd doctor attempting to exit stage left by suggesting another doctor.  Before you suggest my thyroid lab work is fine. All labs are normal. I have no visable proof to prove why I feel the way I feel. Enter gift wrapped exit for the 2nd doctor to get out.
    He said I have a mood disorder.

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Shocked I said omg what do you think it is?? I thought omg its bipolar… I dont hear voices it cant be schizophrenia… the nurse in me who is desperate for a diagnosis and treatment for this debilitating affliction is franticly diagnosing the worst while this man is talking.  Zone back in and this mood disorder he was so passionatly talking about he sayssss *drum roll please* depression.

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   HOLY SHIT! Thought very seriously about breaking this man in two. But instead I gave him the Scarlet look.
     He went on and on about if I didn’t think he was right I could see a second opinion and he even gave me the card of a doctor he suggested with another sleep lab… yadda yadda….

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    So I smiled and said thank you on the outside,  vowing not ever to return to this office again on the inside. So I get out to the car and I realize I hadn’t looked at the card in my hand. It was for a effing psychiatrist. 

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LET IT BE KNOWN:  I in no way am down playing depression or saying anything bad about people who see psychiatrists. But I have had depression before… hell we all have right? I know what that feels like and this is not it.  Falling asleep as if I had narcolepsy is NOT a symptom of depression.  20 pound weight gain in one month while dieting and exercising is NOT a sign of depression.  Having goals and hope for the future is NOT a sign of depression.  You know what it is?? A flippin way to get rid of me as a patient cause you don’t know what it wrong. You cant prove that im not depressed soooo thats what it is and he don’t treat depression.

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     Fast forward… so being told I was depressed… made me depressed.  For two months I killed everything I worked so hard to do. I gained back to 176 pounds, I felt fat. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t stop sleeping all the time and even while taking medicine to keep me awake I slept.

     Life was completely out of control. House a wreck, 3 kids taking care of themselves basically, bills piling up cause I didn’t have the energy to pay them and my stomach looked like I was 3 months pregnant again. I had oily skin with acne over my chin and temple area. Safe to say I was overwhelmed when I got a letter in the mail personally addressed to me. I opened it and that bastard doctor made me a friggin appointment with the psychiatrist.  It had all the new patient paperwork in it with a appointment card in it.  I cried and then I took a hard look at myself in the mirror and said Get your friggin life together Beth.

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     I gave myself 30 days to fix me 17 days ago. I sat down with a composition notebook and on the first page wrote an honest look at what I need to fix. Legit titled: whats wrong with me! I found that I really only had four things that I need to work on. I can do four things right?

1. You’re fat. Don’t sugar coat it anymore. Your flabby and you eat wrong. So I devised a plan to exercise 5-6 days a week… any exercise for at least 1 hour. You eat horrible foods. So I made a pact with myself no pop, no candy, no cake, no bread or chips, no eating out for 30 days. I gave myself easter and my birthday as kind of a small free day. On my birthday I could eat one serving of cake and on easter I could have a couple Reeses eggs. (My downfall is reeses and pop). I also sat down and planned about 2 weeks worth of meals. If I already knew what I was going to eat there wouldn’t be a question and I would be prepared for it. 

2. Pay your bills you have the money.  So I made a bill calendar that hangs where I see it at all times in the kitchen.

3. Your home is one step away from being featured on hoarders. Friggin clean it up. So in that section of the composition notebook I planned one thing to clean or clean out each day for 30 days.

4. You sleep waaay too much. More rules. No naps. I swore them off. If I feel like I need to take one then I need to get up and do something. I need to get up in the morning, not afternoon and be productive all day. Be in bed by midnight. By doing this I keep myself from getting the second wind.

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     Week one was hard. The first four days were hard!!  But I stuck to my diet, I had my cake on my birthday and I ate my reeses on Easter. Bills were paid and my home was clean. I was even starting to become less sleepy.
     Week two I was nailing it excercising and feeling it.  I no longer felt 3 month pregnant. My acne disappeared and my skin wasnt oily at all. I was eating whole foods and I. Felt. Amazing. My daughter came to me (the 6 year old) and says mommy the house is really clean. It smells nice.  Honestly I think that might be the gold metal of it all right there. I found that I was really tolerant to my kids. Thier noise level didn’t bother me… generally much better mood.

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     On friday of last week I hadn’t ate all day. I slept cause I work two nights a week and I had worked Thursday.  I had planned to eat prior to coming to work. I failed, so by the time I got lunch at 2:20 am… I WAS STARVING.  I didn’t over do it but I somehow justified in my head that a hamburger on bread, potatoes and fruit with a mountain dew was a great idea. Completely justified cause I ate fruit. Then Saturday I struggled I ate healthy but I also got into some chocolate from easter. Sunday I woke up and said back on track Beth. I ate pizza for dinner.

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     Monday I made some better choices only because the pizza the night before made me sick as a dog. BIG mistake I weighed myself. It was day 15 so I wanted to see halfway point success. I lost 4 pounds.  In hindsight that is an epic success. For some reason my twisted mind wanted more. Which made me mad at myself and landed me in a bucket of chicken last night. Seems legit. 

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     This morning I woke up to a bloated belly, oily skin with a new crop of pimples and I feel like crap with absolutely no energy to move.

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So minor setback. Lesson learned. Its time to finish the 30 days… and then start it all over again.

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